


The SOS Brigade's Adventures at Ouran Academy!

by Staghorn



Category: Ouran High School Host Club - All Media Types, 涼宮ハルヒ | Suzumiya Haruhi - All Media Types
Genre: Crossover, Gen
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-02-02
Updated: 2018-02-02
Packaged: 2019-03-12 17:12:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,098
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13551900
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Staghorn/pseuds/Staghorn
Summary: After Haruhi Suzumiya gets a letter from a mysterious relative, the SOS Brigade find themselves at the ultra-lavish Ouran Academy. But once Haruhi stumbles upon the Ouran Host Club, the day-to-day lives of the Brigade's members change forever. Can Kyon and company make it as the club's newest hosts? More importantly, can the Host Club survive the chaos Haruhi brings to the table?





	The SOS Brigade's Adventures at Ouran Academy!

When it comes to explaining exactly how I ended up where I currently am, there's a lot you can talk about.

You could get into pedantic details, such as the small talk that Koizumi and I got up to on the drive here, or how thick the trees over this circle drive were, or the other people pulling up in luxury cars and limousines and horse-drawn carriages. We could get into the absolute earliest stuff, such as when I first met Haruhi Suzumiya or even before that. I could bore you with a piece-by-piece explanation on who I am, who Haruhi Suzumiya is, the SOS Brigade, its members, all that stuff.

But I think the best place to start is about a week ago. That was when the last tattered pieces of my ordinary life were thrown away for good.

It started off as an ordinary day of school, but that illusion quickly shattered when Haruhi burst into the room. She was making a sound like a giddy teakettle, and grinning so wide I was worried the corners of her mouth would rip. She landed in her seat with enough force that she almost toppled out the adjacent window.

When I asked her what put her in such a mood, all she did was shove a letter in my face and demanded that I read it.

"To my dear grand-niece," it read. "I understand that this letter may come as a surprise, as I do not believe that you are familiar with my side of your family. However, I am not long for this world, and I hope my final gift to you makes up for my absence in your life. I have always felt like the best thing that one can put their money towards is the education of their descendants, and you are no exception.

"I don't know if you are familiar with Ouran Academy - a school for those blessed with particular wealth and potential. As my last act, I have paid for your tuition at Ouran Academy in full. In addition, since I would not want to trade your current life for a lonely one, I have arranged it so that your closest friends may also attend, should they so choose.

"I hope that your life is blessed with wonder and eventfulness. Regards, Minoru Suzumiya."

All things considered, it was unbelievable, but not for the obvious reasons. A rich but unknown relative dying and leaving inheritance was almost certainly a scam. Ouran Academy certainly existed, though. Any other doubts about the legitimacy of this were something that Haruhi had already investigated thoroughly. Koizumi had also investigated it on his own, as well. According to him, the only thing with a hitch was the reason why this happened.

This wasn't something outright impossible - these strokes of pure luck happened once in a blue moon. However, Haruhi's subconsciousness is something that blue moons, as well as the rest of the cosmos, had to work around. She's been bored with her current life and schooling before, and that hadn't resulted in everyone being shifted to a new school. Why is this happening now?

"This is incredible!" she had said at the time. "I can't believe that the SOS Brigade could ever have something like this happen to us!"

Oh, I should mention that when the letter said that her closest friends could be brought to Ouran, Haruhi chose me and the rest of the SOS Brigade. For the record, I'm not flattered. I don't need a fancy education, and I didn't ever really want one. That said, what I wanted has no bearing as to the fact that, well, here we are.

"Well, here we are," Koizumi echoed.

The two of us were standing just outside the front gates of Ouran Academy. Nearby, Nagato was already present and was sitting with her nose in a book. The only others were a stream of young men in sharp bluish-purple blazers, and young women in long buttercup-yellow dresses, moving in towards and through the gates.

"Really, this isn't too different from transferring into any other school." Koizumi looked at me, smirking. "Do you think that all of us being transfers into a new school means that I am no longer noteworthy as a new transfer student?"

"Do you really want to know my thoughts on whether you're noteworthy or not?" I retorted.

Koizumi chuckled. "I suppose it's not relevant. Still, we're in quite a new situation. It seems like Ms. Nagato is already feeling comfortable enough here. What about you?"

"I just don't get the point of being here," I said. "This isn't one of your schemes, is it?"

Koizumi, for a brief moment, almost frowned. "We were fine with the way that things were. In fact, this is going to raise operating costs quite a bit, from paying for our agents' placement alone." He took a moment to look away from the gates, out towards the rest of the world. Looking wistful wasn't in his playbook, but this seemed close enough. "I liked our old school. I thought that Ms. Suzumiya thought the same way."

"So did I. Do you think that somebody else could have caused it?"

"I understand that the idea that it was the work of a con artist has been disproven quite handily at this point. After all, Ouran certainly exists. This begs the question, then, of whether Ms. Suzumiya can be conned in the first place."

"I don't think she's really the sort to fall for scams, if that's what you're asking."

"It's not. Behind every con is a carefully crafted story, designed to lead the mark deeper and deeper until the rug can be pulled out from under them. To the mark, this story needs to be presented as fact. Anything that can make the mark doubt this reality needs to be accounted for. Now, what happens when you present this carefully crafted false reality to someone like Ms. Suzumiya? If there's no reason to doubt a story, then what excuse does it have for not being true?"

"You're saying that she'd buy a fake story so hard, it'd start being true, thanks to her powers."

"I don't think that it's a good theory, but it's something."

For a brief moment, any chance of the conversation continuing was thrown out the window. A black helicopter landed, dropped off a student that looked no more special than the rest, and took off again.

"You know what this is making me think of?" I said. "It's making me think about when you told me that Haruhi was naturally rational. That our world would continue on being boring and making sense, because she wasn't  _that_  crazy. And yet here we are, at an opulent school for the truly rich, where students are dropped off in Bugattis and enter into a campus that's probably bigger than most palaces. This just doesn't feel like a place that ought to exist in a sensical world."

"I'd say that the fact that we're here and experiencing it proves its existence. Despite what my senses say, though, I'm not sure that you're wrong. In any case, I'm going to get a better sense of the area. Let me know if you have any more input later."

He walked off, towards where the majority of the cars had pulled up. When I looked back after losing track of him, Nagato was already beside me.

"I take it you don't have any idea why we're here, do you?" I asked her.

"There is a theory," she said.

"Well, that's better than what I've got," I said. "Let's hear it."

"There is a chance that the location of Ms. Suzumiya's enrichment has been forcibly altered on the recommendation of other data interfaces, for the sake of monitoring her reaction and acclimation to a new environment," she droned. "This place is several degrees more severe than what I believe to be advisable, but my requests for the observing environment to remain static seem to have been disregarded."

"So," I translated, "you're saying that you wanted her to stay but other interfaces wanted her to be somewhere strange."

"Yes."

"Why?" I asked.

"There is a faction that believes that letting Ms. Suzumiya remain in a static environment gives us no positive feedback regarding her capabilities. A change to the base environment would be a compromise that both them and my own faction would find amenable, as prior attempts to change the environmental variables were deemed too drastic. You were the center point of one such attempt, which I was required to intervene upon."

Too drastic is right - even at the veiled mention of the actions of Ryoko Asakura, my heart kicked into a momentary fight-or-flight-induced frenzy.

"So this is the fault of other interfaces," I said. "Good to know, at least."

"That is my theory," she said. "It is not confirmed."

Before I could say anything, my attention was grabbed by an individual that was moving through the crowd in a particularly forceful manner. I could tell by the way they were displacing the surrounding current of students that it was Haruhi. When we finally made eye contact, she stopped - which reminded me of the fact that making eye contact with certain aggressive animals could get you killed. She was flanked by the rest of the SOS Brigade - Koizumi on her heels like a Labrador, and Ms. Asahina, with a twinkle of wonder and worry gracing her eyes, was taking cautious steps in her wake.

"I can't believe that you managed to get here before I did," said Haruhi. She was frowning, practically pouting even, and I swear that she looked almost disappointed.

"Koizumi gave me a ride," I said. "Besides, I've only been here for like ten minutes, tops. Also, if I may, why was your first reaction to this-" I gestured to the wall and the gate and the ludicrously lavish school campus beyond. "-to complain that I managed to beat you here?"

"I went and took a digital tour of the campus online," she said. "Really, what's your excuse for not being excited? We're about to have our first day of a truly wondrous new phase in our lives, and you're not even smiling!" She took a quick headcount of the Brigade. "Well, we're all here - let's go!"

Before I could even form a sentence, she was already walking past me, with Koizumi, Ms. Asahina, and Nagato following close behind. Not wanting to get left behind completely, I quickly fell into step behind them.

Once inside, the utter extravagance and wealth of Ouran Academy was something that I was experiencing with all five senses. I was blinded by the shining halls and the priceless art lining them. My ears were filled with snippets of discussion and our footfalls on marble tile. I smelled perfumes and colognes that I knew I couldn't afford on every student we passed. But, stronger than all that, I could taste the judgemental atmosphere that we were gathering, and I felt like this was somewhere we would never, ever belong.

We certainly got everyone's attention - the only people that weren't looking at us were turned to their colleagues to discuss us. That being said, we didn't get anyone introducing themselves to us, and we didn't have anyone stop to ask why five people who were obviously intruding into their school had any right to be here. I think it had to do with Haruhi and her air of undiluted confidence, which parted the crowd and let us walk unimpeded.

"This truly is a wondrous place, Ms. Suzumiya," said Koizumi. "Is it everything you could have hoped for and more?"

"Absolutely!" Haruhi shouted. "We're going to have the time of our lives here! At a place like this, it's an environment where the SOS Brigade can flourish and thrive!"

She grabbed my arm, pulled me close to her, and stuck her hand out in front of her like a visionary autocrat dictating the dawn of a new era.

"Just think! When you see an alien land on Earth, the first thing they always ask is 'take us to your leader'. Well, think of all the heads of state with children at a place like this! And time-travelers, what are they most interested in? People who are going to be big stars in the future! This is a place for the rich and famous - think of how many future famous people are here, taking the first steps of their astronomic rise!"

"And the espers? Let's not let them feel left out." I said, half-seriously.

"Well, nobody's going to take you away to a dark lab to experiment on your esper powers if you've got the clout to be here, are they?"

Your logic is sound, but that merely reminds me of people who can use logic to prove in forty steps that one plus one equals three. Also, look at us - we're five walking points of evidence that being here doesn't mean anything when it comes to power.

"In any case," she continued, "our first order of business is getting established, and that means picking out a club space. I mean, look at this."

We came to a stop in front of a door, whose sign said "Music Room 3".

"If this room is as big as I think it is," said Haruhi, "there's no way that this school needs a room like this in its daily use. We'll just move in, set up shop, and by the time anyone needs it, we'll be established enough to stand our ground. It's perfect."

Haruhi stood up straight, adjusted her clothes, and marched into the music room.

Instead of being greeted with an empty room, we were greeted by something far more interesting than that. Whatever was in there had, for a moment, blinded and stunned us. A gust of wind that smelled of roses blew past, and my ears were filled with the sound of wind chimes.

"Welcome!"

When we came to, we were met with a group of several exceedingly handsome young men. They were all seated or standing in the center of the very large room, arranged in a set of poses that I'm sure was carefully crafted to please.

Seated in the front, with a posture more suited for a throne than a dining chair, was a taller blonde man, who practically glowed with an inner radiance. Directly behind him were two red-headed twins, their smiles demure and coy. On his right was the tallest of the group, directly next to someone so short and blonde and golden-faced, he would have fit in better at an elementary school, or on a shelf alongside other china figurines. On his left was a man with dark hair and glasses, eyeing us up with a particularly steely gaze. Finally, between the seated man and the dark-haired one, was the shortest of the group outside of the child - with short brown hair, a gentle smile, and a certain  _je ne sais quoi_  about him that, for whatever reason, caught my eye to a particular degree.

Coming face-to-face with this group had stopped Haruhi in her tracks. There was a moment where each of the five of us met the gazes of each of the seven of them, as each party stared the other down.

The first to speak were the twins, as they moved up from leaning on the chair.

"No school uniforms…" said one.

"And a distinct look of awe and confusion…" said the other.

"You must be new transfer students," they said in unison.

Haruhi was slightly late on the draw, so Koizumi responded in her stead. "Indeed we are. We're still taking in everything that Ouran Academy's presented us. Forgive us if we're a little slack-jawed."

"There's no need to worry about being a little stunned," said the blonde man, as he got up from his chair and approached. "We at the Ouran Host Club aim to leave everyone who comes across us reeling with delight."

"Host… club?" Ms. Asahina inquired. But the blonde was already kneeling at Haruhi's feet.

"If our fine hosts don't paralyze you with our charm and good grace, madame," he said, as he held out a hand for Haruhi, "then why, we just aren't doing our job right."

Haruhi's brow furrowed as she assessed the gentleman before her. I couldn't tell you exactly what expression was on her face, but it certainly wasn't 'impressed'.

"I'm sorry," said Ms. Asahina, "but… what is a host club?"

"It's something that, honestly, I'm surprised they'd have in a school," said Haruhi.

Considering everything that we saw on our way in, from a clock tower that rivaled Westminster Abbey to the gardens fit for French royalty, it's really more of a question of what this place  _wouldn't_  have.

"Basically," said Haruhi, "they're gigolos."

The blonde man went from bowing to face-first on the floor so fast, I could swear I heard the tile crack. The rest of the hosts were taken aback to lesser degrees - though I'm pretty sure that you couldn't get more taken aback than the man who was before us.

"Then again," she continued, "I don't see why this school wouldn't have a club for aspiring gigolos. After all, a geisha or a call girl needs to hone her people skills, both in and out of their finery. Where else is the new generation of male escorts going to-"

"Enough with your slander!" said the blonde, as he erupted off the floor back onto his feet. "I don't know what sort of scandalous escapades you think we get up to, but I assure you that whatever you are thinking, it is NOT what this club is about!"

"Then, what exactly  _is_  it about?" I asked.

"In that case, let me properly introduce ourselves," said the blonde man. "You stand before the Ouran Host Club, and I am its king - Tamaki Suou!"

For a self-described king, I wouldn't exactly call you 'royal'. Given your demeanor, I'd sooner slap you in bells and a pointy hat.

"Only those with excellent social standing and those from filthy rich families are lucky enough to spend their time here at the elite private school Ouran Academy," recited Tamaki. "The Ouran Host Club is where the school's most handsome boys with too much time on their hands entertain young ladies who also have way too much time on their hands. Just think of it as Ouran Academy's elegant playground for the super-rich and beautiful."

I saw Ms. Asahina nod in a semblance of understanding, and I found myself doing the same. Haruhi's face remained furrowed, the gears turning in her head.

"I think I understand now," said Haruhi.

"That's good to hear-" said Tamaki.

"You're  _platonic_  gigolos."

Tamaki's expression went blank, as did the rest of the hosts.

"Well, if that's what helps you think about how our organization works," said the dark-haired man as he adjusted his glasses, "I'm not about to argue. That being said, 'gigolo' and 'host' have different connotations. I'm assuming by your, shall we say, initial expectations, that you're unfamiliar with how a host club operates."

"If I recall correctly," I said, "our town has a 'hostess club', but-"

"I understand," said the man in glasses. "Those air quotes tell me everything I need to know. Rest assured, there are worlds of difference between the Ouran Host Club and a shady hostess bar in… wherever it is you're from."

"That's a good question," said a twin.

"Where  _are_  you guys from?" said the other.

Koizumi gave out a disarming smile. "Not from anywhere special, unfortunately. We're just a couple of normal, middle-class students whose circumstances have made a sudden change for the better."

I couldn't tell you why, but this warranted the biggest gasp and the widest eyes from Tamaki, as he rose with an ephemeral twinkle behind him. Who  _is_  this guy?!

"You're…  _commoners?_ " he gasped, with the delivery of someone asking if someone was royalty. "All five of you?"

"If you're asking us if we're not hyper-rich, ivory-tower trust fund babies," I retorted, "then yes."

Tamaki fell out of frame, gasping in some sort of delight. The rest of the Host Club looked intrigued, at best.

"Please excuse our king," said the man in glasses."Tamaki finds the traditions of the 'lower classes' to be of interest."

Which ones? Starving to death? Doing an ounce of work in our lives? I understand that money can't buy things like love or happiness, but it's not like they slam jail bars over your heart once you get your first million dollars.

"The only other commoner at Ouran is Haru-chan!" said the young-looking boy, as he grabbed onto the legs of the short brown-haired man in an energetic hug.

"Looks like you've got yourself some competition, Haruhi!" said one of the twins, as they moved onto his shoulders.

"It's not like being poorer than the rest of you is a competition," said the other Haruhi. He stepped forward, letting the twins fall off of his shoulders, and raised a hand to his mouth in thought. "How'd the five of you manage to get in, anyway?"

"Oh," said Haruhi, "an ultra-rich great-uncle I just found out existed died, and he wanted me to go here, and he said I could bring my friends. Simple as that."

That response practically struck the other Haruhi in the face. He stared, jaw agape, and you could see his heart sinking all the way from here

"Why, what did you do?" said Haruhi.

"Oh, you know…" murmured the other Haruhi, as if he was a particularly exasperated balloon letting out its air, "worked my ass off, got a major scholarship, and only just barely managed to make it here, haha…"

"That must make you a particularly bright spark," said Koizumi. "Don't let our lucky break invalidate the hard work you do."

"Don't flatter them, Itsuki," said Haruhi. "That's their job, not ours."

"It's nothing we're opposed to," said the man in glasses. "But she's right; it  _is_  our job. Perhaps we could grant you and the other two ladies a free session with the hosts of your choosing, as a way for us to get to know you better."

"Oh, I don't know," said Ms. Asahina as her mouth drooped into the smallest heart-melting frown. Nagato, of course, said nothing and expressed nothing. Haruhi, on the other hand, was already on the prowl, looking each of the hosts up and down. How she managed to make it past Tamaki, who had snapped off the floor and back into his "king of the host club" state of being, I don't know.

"That sounds like a perfect idea, Kyoya. In that case, I say that our lovely hosts could do with some introductions," said Tamaki.

"I'd have to agree," said who I presumed to be 'Kyoya'. "I'm tired of this whole 'man in glasses' deal, in any case. My name is Kyoya Otori. I help keep the Host Club running and keep its members in check if necessary."

He stepped towards the four of us, and - in what was perhaps a fatal mistake - took his eyes off of Haruhi. He looked Ms. Asahina and Nagato over as if they were prospective buyers, instead of curious new students. While I didn't trust the Host Club's king to amount to anything more than comedic buffoonery, it seemed more like Otori was, perhaps, the sort of man that you couldn't actually trust.

"I'd understand if you're apprehensive," he continued. "But believe me, our king isn't the only host we have in store. Are you in the market for somebody quieter, perhaps? There's no obligation to you and your host to even talk to one another."

The more I thought about it, the more I just couldn't see either of them with any of the hosts. A session with Nagato would just be an awkward, emotionless silence for however long the session was. A session with Ms. Asahina wouldn't be anything I'd want to think about. If boys are going to be falling over themselves trying to impress her, I'd at least prefer that they did so over the feelings they had in their hearts, and not because of any professional obligations.

"Of course," said Mr. Otori, "we're not going to keep you here if you don't want to stay."

"In that case, thanks for the offer," I said, "but I think we ought to handle our own business-"

I was cut off by a sudden, sharp "Watch it!" from the other Haruhi.

The room's attention was drawn to him, a good three meters back from where he was, arms positioned defensively over his crotch - and to Haruhi, who had a vaguely stunned look on her face and a hand at approximately waist level.

"No inappropriate contact," said the tall host, as he moved, stone-faced, between the Haruhis.

"Didn't you hear the boss's spiel?" said a twin. "We're not that kind of establishment."

"What?" said Haruhi defensively. "I was just curious about the packing situation, that's all."

"Packing situation?" I asked.

"Of course. I wasn't trying to be lewd, I was just checking to see what was going on down there with regard to, well,  _that_  aspect of a host's appeal."

Haruhi turned back towards the SOS Brigade, an eyebrow raised.

"You guys  _did_  realize that she's a girl in drag, right?"

A small murmur ran through the crowds of both host and brigade member alike. Well, except for the other Haruhi, who just looked very irritated.

"What, so just because you didn't think there'd be anything to touch down there meant that you had a free pass to stick your hand between my legs?" he - no, she - snapped.

"I was just curious what you used, if anything. Y'know, bundled socks, a sausage, maybe a -"

"I believe that's enough," said Tamaki. He gave Haruhi a stern look that was almost frightening, given that seconds ago he was as gracious as could be. "I thank you for your interest, but it seems like you'd be better off getting acclimated to the other parts of the academy."

"I have to agree with Tamaki," said Mr. Otori, as he went over to a table and started to write something down. "The Host Club isn't for everyone, and I believe that you mentioned that you have business to attend to?"

Haruhi stomped back towards the door, fuming, and grabbed onto my tie as she went.

"Well, guys, it looks like we aren't welcome here. Let's go find somewhere else for the SOS Brigade to set up shop."

Even as I was being pulled away, I could see Mr. Otori's pen jerk in surprise. When I got a chance to look at his face, his eyes had widened in what I could only assume was realization.

"Excuse me," he said, "but this wouldn't happen to be the Saving the World by Overloading It With Fun Haruhi Suzumiya Brigade, would it?"

All of the room's attention suddenly snapped onto Otori. And why wouldn't it? This guy not only knows of our stupid little club, but he knew the full acronym off the top of his head. I'm not even sure that Haruhi could recite that if asked.

And speaking of Haruhi, this had made her face light up and her jaw drop.

"You… you know of us?" she gasped. She looked like someone had just given presented her with the Hope Diamond.

"Of course," he said as he rose, a welcoming smile on his face. "I keep my ear to the ground regarding particularly special individuals - and who would be more special than the one and only Haruhi Suzumiya?"

Haruhi took a few dazed steps forward. Otori's words of flattery seemed to have completely blinded her - which was good, since that helped to shield the faces of utter confusion and surprise that everybody - even Nagato - had on their faces.

"Sooooo," said one of the twins, "is she somebody we should know of?"

"I wouldn't expect you to," Otori said, as he approached the rest of us. "But in some circles, she's someone to keep an eye on for sure."

"I can't believe that somebody else is familiar with what I do…" Haruhi stammered. She stumbled, but Tamaki helped to keep her from hitting the ground.

"Naturally," said Otori. "How could someone as connected as myself not have heard of-"

All of a sudden, he was behind the five of us, showcasing us to the rest of the hosts.

"-the spectacular Haruhi Suzumiya-"

"Hasn't she been hyped up enough already?" the other Haruhi muttered.

"-the charming Itsuki Koizumi,-"

"I'm flattered, thank you," said Koizumi.

"-the lovely Mikuru Asahina,-

Ms. Asahina gave a timid bow. "P-pleased to meet you all."

"-the stalwart Yuki Nagato-"

"...," said Nagato.

"And…" Otori finished, "Kyon."

Excuse me, but I think that I've at least earned some sort of epithet? At least I deserve to be on the same level as everybody else - wait, why are you even exonerating them to such a position in the first place? How do you even know about us? More importantly... why?

Otori walked over to Haruhi and Tamaki and lifted her head up, her eyes still full of stars.

"I do hope you can forgive my candor," he said. "I never thought I'd meet you in person." He smiled as he leaned down and kissed her hand. "It is the greatest pleasure to make your acquaintance."

Haruhi stayed in the moment for a good five seconds, before bursting out of it with a new form of vigor.

"See!" she said, as she pointed to the other Haruhi. "That's how you make a girl feel welcome to a host club! You better be taking notes!"

"We do apologize for our earlier coldness," said Otori, over the vocal disagreements of the other Haruhi. "Is there anything we can do to make up for it?"

"Hmm…" Haruhi pondered, with a hand to her chin. "You're certainly getting my attention. Y'know, I gotta say, I'm interested in your trade. Being a host is just charming other women, correct? And you get paid for it?"

"Indeed," said Otori, "though saying that what we do is merely charming women is much like saying what Rembrandt did was merely putting paint on a canvas."

"In that case, I don't think we're going to need to go and find another place for the SOS Brigade to set up shop - because we're already where we need to be!"

"What, so you're moving us into the corner of the host club's room?" I asked. There's certainly enough space in here for use to section off a corner.

"No, you idiot." Haruhi stood up straight and pointed dramatically. "The SOS Brigade and its members would like to merge our forces with yours, and officially become a part of the Ouran Host Club!"

I have no idea what she was expecting, but it's not the response she got. It varied from a slightly weakened smile from Otori to a synchronized head-tilt from the tallest and shortest members of the Host Club to myself clutching my forehead in annoyance.

"We certainly appreciate your offer and your enthusiasm," said Tamaki, who still didn't seem sold on her, "but we don't need your services. After all, we're only a host club. We don't have any interest in catering to a male demographic."

"We wouldn't be," said Haruhi. "We'd be aiming to cater to the queer demographic. Besides, you already have one female host - it's not like we're treading new ground here, right?"

"Ms. Fujioka's status as a woman is something we keep hidden," said Otori. "As far as the rest of the school knows, we're a club of handsome young men catering to beautiful young ladies. Additionally, as much as I hate to turn down a request such as this, I've run the numbers before, and I don't think that there's enough of an LGBTQ community at Ouran to warrant something like this."

"Then stick us in binders and have us crossdress as male hosts," Haruhi replied. "I assume that you've got some lying around for Fujioka?"

"Nah," said a twin. "We'd have to buy them fresh."

"Haruhi's so flat," said the other, clasping a shoulder around Ms. Fujioka, "she doesn't even need bindings!"

"Keep this up," Ms. Fujioka grumbled, "and you're going to be wearing  _medical_  bindings." The twins both slowly sidled away from her, grins still plastered on their faces. "Besides, you and Nagato might be able to successfully disguise yourselves as men… but what about her?"

She pointed at Ms. Asahina - who, at this moment, did look particularly curvaceous, long-haired, and feminine.

"I… I don't think I'd make a very good host," said Ms. Asahina.

"Nonsense!" said Haruhi. "I mean, look at yourself. Obviously, we couldn't really disguise you as a dude, but I bet if we dress you right and present you properly, the lesbians won't be able to keep their hands off of you!"

Alright, you've managed to sell me on Ms. Asahina being a host, but what about me? When it comes to dealing with women, I'm about as charming as a paper bag. And let's not even get started on yourself...

"I appreciate your enthusiasm for our work," said Otori, "but it isn't exactly feasible logistically. Everything that we do to help present our hosts as being the best that they can be ends up costing us a fair bit of money. Having to almost double that to pay your wages would be an expense that I don't think we'd be able to make up for in new clients."

"Even Haruhi was pushing the limit, at first," said a twin.

"And really," said Ms. Fujioka, "I'm only working here because I need to pay off a debt I owe the Host Club."

"A debt, you say?" asked Haruhi.

"Ms. Fujioka broke an important vase," said the other twin. "She owes us millions."

I don't know why, but Haruhi responded to that with an 'hmm' and a hand on her chin, as her eyes looked all around the room.

"And that's something that you can pay off by working as a host?" she asked.

"Of course-" said Otori.

"But we don't want you selling yourself into indentured servitude because you're interested in working here!" stammered Tamaki.

Haruhi merely responded with another noise of contemplation.

"Kyoya, may I borrow a pen or something?" she asked.

"Of course," said Otori, as he handed her the pen he was using to write with earlier.

I couldn't tell you what I expected her to write with the pen, but I definitely expected her to write something. What happened wasn't the last thing I expected. That's because there wasn't a part of me that expected it at all.

Instead of using the pen like a pen, she instead wound herself up in a perfect pitcher's stance, before throwing the pen straight at the ceiling. It flew past the crystals of a chandelier and struck with a mighty sound, out of sight. At first, it seemed like the only thing that would fall would be the shards of the pen and the rain-drops of useless ink within. But after a few seconds, the chandelier jerked, before hitting the floor with the exact sort of cacophony that comes from a chandelier crashing to the ground. I reflexively went to shield my face, and when I looked back, it looked like someone took a crab made of pure crystal and took a sledgehammer to it, directly in the center of the Host Club.

"So how much do we owe you for that?" Haruhi asked.

Everyone was still stunned and reeling, too much to respond to her question. Expressions ranged from Nagato's mouth hanging ever-so-slightly open, to a dumbfounded gape from the other Haruhi to a blinking, strained smile from Otori.

"That chandelier…" he eventually stated, "was from Versailles."

"Wow…" Haruhi said. My immediate reaction was to smack her upside the head, but then a part of me realized that that was dangerous. If she could break a priceless work of crystal-craft and metallurgy without a second thought, imagine what she could do to my arm.

"I believe that comes out to around 40 million yen," said Otori.

"So that splits off to… eight million yen for the each of us. Perfect! We can handle that, can't we?"

"Excuse me!" I finally snapped. "I can't pay off eight million, and I don't think any of us can! You're the one that's vandalizing this school's property - why can't-"

I was cut off by Otori placing a hand on my shoulder.

"We'll find a way to make it manageable. Hosting does pay particularly well - certainly more than you'd find that anywhere else could manage. In any case - Hikaru, Kaoru?"

The two twins snapped to attention.

"Ms. Suzumiya could go with a tour around the school, as well as a well-tailored male students' uniform. I'm sure you can handle that?"

They nodded and grabbed onto a shoulder each.

"Right this way, Ms. Suzumiya!" they said in unison. And the two twins made their way out the door, with Haruhi firmly in their clutches. Unfortunately, Haruhi's arm grabbed onto mine, and I was firmly in  _her_  clutches, and she dragged me straight out the door.

* * *

"..."

"..."

"..."

"Oh, we're still here?" said Tamaki.

"Seems so," said Kyoya.

"Hmmm. I thought we'd see a tour with Suzumiya and the Hitachiins, or at the very least a cutaway to later."

"Maybe there's something better that needs to be focused on here?" said Honey.

"I'm sure that we can think of something interesting to say," said Kyoya.

"Perhaps, but we'd at least need a point of view character," said Tamaki. "We don't want the narration getting too dry."

"Haruhi's still here," said Kyoya. "You were the point of view character in the visual novel, were you not?"

I mean, that wasn't released in America. I don't think that counts, and - oh. Well, it looks like I'm stuck with narrating this anyway. You could have at least asked first.

"What are you guys talking about?" asked the girl with the red hair - Mikuru, I think her name was?

"Don't worry about it," said Kyoya. He stood, deep in concentration, as we all listened to the sounds of fading footsteps. The moment those were gone, he looked at the chandelier and ran a hand through his hair.

"That was a bit too much of a concession, wasn't it?" he said, as he looked over at Itsuki.

"I'd say your praise of the SOS Brigade was over-the-top," said Itsuki. "We're a pretty simple group, no different than your ordinary high school club. But then again, it seems like the benchmark for ordinary is a little different among Ouran's students. I guess I can't fault you for laying it on thick if that's how the Host Club is.

"That being said, I don't know if I would have grabbed Ms. Suzumiya's interest as firmly as you have. She's a little hard to handle, but she'll support you to the end if she's on your side."

"With any luck," said Kyoya, "that won't be for long." He looked surprisingly humble as he turned towards the hosts. "I apologize to all of you for getting us into this situation, but I think I handled that the best that I could."

"Handled what, exactly?" I asked. "This girl comes in, raises hell, sexually harasses me, forces herself into the club and smashes up the club room when you say no. The moment you figure out exactly who she is, though, you practically start kowtowing at her feet. Even if she's a client of yours, that still seems unlike you."

"I panicked," said Kyoya coolly. He made his way over to a side-table and pulled out a laptop.

"Among certain circles," he continued as he typed, "Haruhi Suzumiya is the most important woman in the world. That isn't hyperbole. I wouldn't call what I've learned about her rumors and hearsay, but I didn't think that she or her compatriots actually existed. And yet, here they are. I assumed that this was a worst-case scenario and I attempted to do some damage control."

"You could have stepped in earlier..." I said.

"I could have, and I should have," said Kyoya. "While I wish I could promise that it wouldn't happen again, the least I can do is make sure she's properly reprimanded if it does. I sincerely apologize for the damage she's done, to our property and to our hosts."

I don't know when they were called, but a squad of maids was already cleaning up the broken chandelier.

"To think that such a priceless craftwork went from King Louis' palace to broken on our floor…" said Tamaki wistfully as he stared at the glass, small tears in his eye.

"If it makes you feel better," said Kyoya, "while it was from Versailles, it certainly didn't cost us anywhere near 40 million yen."

"Then why did you tell Haru…" Honey-sempai started to speak, before trailing off. He sat for a moment in thought. I heard him say various permutations of Suzumiya's name as he tried to find the right cutesy name for her.

"Suzu-chan," said Mori-senpai.

Honey perked up and beamed for a second. "Why did Kyo-chan tell Suzu-chan that it was so expensive?"

"As she mentioned," said Kyoya, "it divides five ways into eight million yen. The exact same amount as Haruhi's debt. It's already a number I'm familiar with. Plus, it's not too small to get written off, and not too big as to dishearten her."

I'm glad to hear that you're using my life-changing servitude as a yardstick for whatever game you're playing with this woman.

"Besides," he continued, "it also means that we can take their wages and put it towards the cost of running a twelve-person host club."

"That's another good question," I said. I looked over the remaining three members of the Saving the Whatever by Blah Blah Blah Haruhi Suzumiya Brigade. "You guys didn't ask to be a part of this, and I can't say you all strike me as good host material."

"Nonsense!" said Tamaki. "Anyone, provided that they're willing to learn, can become a host if they have the right teachers!"

"That's fine, but what I'm getting at is... well, this something that you guys even want to do?"

"Of course," said Itsuki. "It seems Ms. Suzumiya thinks highly of you and your organization. I don't see any reason at this point to not feel the same way. I may not have people skills that are quite up to this club's standards, but I am more than willing to become the host that your club needs me to be."

"Well, flattery's a good place to start, but it seems like you've got that down already," I responded. He merely smiled as if to emphasize my point.

"I…" stammered Mikuru. "I can always try my best. I'm not sure that I'd really be the best sort of host, but I don't think that Ms. Suzumiya… I'm not sure if I could really get away with not doing this. I mean, regarding the debt."

"Well," said Tamaki, "maybe you couldn't be a great host if you tried to be exactly like us. But I can tell that you'd make for an excellent host if you stay true to yourself."

Mikuru blushed, bowed slightly, and thanked him. Our attention shifted over to Yuki. Her expression hadn't changed since Ms. Suzumiya and Kyon left the room. She also hadn't moved from when the chandelier hit the floor, either.

"Do you want to be a host?" I asked her.

"Yes," she replied. I suppose that you can't really get more simple than that.

"Well, I'm glad to hear that you three are all interested in making sure this works out," said Kyoya. "We'll do our part to make sure that Ms. Suzumiya is satisfied, and try to keep this whole situation under control."

"You almost make it sound like she's an apocalyptic event waiting to happen," I said.

"We handle women with enough clout to figuratively bring our world to an end here in the host club often enough. The problem with Ms. Suzumiya is that she makes that a literal fact. If she's sufficiently upset, she will terminate the very existence of the universe."

He paused for a second.

"It always was a strange-sounding idea, but when I say it aloud, it sounds completely insane."

"Completely insane" was right. If Kyoya didn't wield his sensibility and certainty like a well-honed sword in his daily existence, I'd stop paying attention to him. But I know he's one of the more sane people I've ever met. Unless there's some side of him that I hadn't realized?

"Interesting," said Itsuki. "I see you're discussing it openly. That's not the approach I'd necessarily take, but I'm interested to see where you're going with this."

Discussing what? Kyoya talking about it is one thing, but why are you making it sound like he's onto something?

"Not the whole group..." said Kyoya, as he adjusted his glasses.

"I see. So that's why Hikaru and Kaoru were recruited to give her a school tour," said Tamaki.

"I figured that if the two of them found out about Ms. Suzumiya's… 'capabilities', they'd try to instigate something. Let's keep this between us, shall we?"

"What's there to keep?" I asked.

"Like I said, Haruhi Suzumiya is a  _very_  powerful woman. It's to our benefit that she doesn't know."

I hadn't been planning on telling anybody. Well, except the doctors, if we need to get you medical attention for whatever's happening with your mind.

"Your friend is right. She's a particularly storied woman," said Itsuki. "If you'll excuse me, though, I need to make a phone call." He stepped off to the side as he pulled out his phone.

I saw Kyoya think for a moment. "As I understand it, Haruhi Suzumiya has a particular attunement with the world. It bends around her whims, instead of the other way around. For example, a fleeting desire to attend Ouran Academy translates to a conveniently deceased family member with enough wealth to land her and her friends in these halls."

"So she isn't just outrageously lucky - she just, what, warps reality until she gets her way?" I asked.

"Don't think of it as a conscious action," said Kyoya. "But yes, that's more or less what happens."

"If that's what you think she's capable of, no wonder you're bowing at her feet," I said.

Kyoya stopped typing for a second, before resuming. "Like I said, I-" His phone interrupted him, and he gave a quick smile before answering. With him now distracted, I walked up to Tamaki.

"So, you're letting Kyoya-sempai do all this?" I asked.

"Well," he said, "I don't exactly know what he means with all of this. But I trust him. If he thinks that this woman is as special as he's making her sound, I wouldn't see any reason to doubt him."

"He might think she's special, but you know what I see?" I said. "Someone whose way of saying 'pleased to meet you' is sticking her hand between my legs. I know for a fact that if a guy did that, you'd throw him out a window."

Tamaki chuckled, without smiling. "You're certainly not wrong. Unfortunately, I can't say that a client inappropriately touching a host never occurs. When it does, we reprimand her, escort her from the premises, and forbid her from making any return visits."

"Judging by this, though, it seems you can be important enough to get away with it," I said.

"Kyoya has higher standards than you'd think. It is deeply curious, though-"

Yuki had walked up to Tamaki and was now shoving a piece of paper in his face.

"A check…?" said Tamaki.

As he looked at it, I could tell that that was exactly what it was. A check with… a lot of zeroes written on it.

"Sixteen million yen," she said. "This is for the debt that myself and the individual who is known as 'Kyon' recently acquired. The viability of this payment can be assured, and more payments of a similar magnitude can be provided as needed." When she first spoke, I thought she just had a dry tone of voice, but it's clear that she's about as monotone as a dial tone.

Tamaki and I took a moment to stare. Then, Tamaki grabbed the check out of her hand and smiled. I couldn't help but keep staring.

"Thank you, miss," he said.

"Wait, hold on," I said. "Didn't you say you went to a small school? I thought you said you guys were lower-class, and you're just… throwing million-yen checks around like it's nothing?"

"It is the simplest way to solve the issue of the owed payment," she said. Then, she wandered off towards the nearest table, sat down, pulled out a thick book, and started reading.

Tamaki merely shrugged. "It wouldn't be the first problem solved at Ouran Academy in this manner. If it's valid, it's valid."

"Kyoya-sempai?" I asked. "I feel like we-"

"Well, that is a fairly large sum to require all at once," said Kyoya, into his phone. "Might I ask why?"

"Of course he's doing business…" I muttered.

I couldn't help but notice that Tamaki perked up his head and looked past me. I turned to see that he was paying attention to Itsuki.

"A recent activity of the principal client," Itsuki said into his phone, "has resulted in a rather expensive item being damaged. I believe that paying the sum up front would be easiest. This does have to do with the recent change in her locale and station - were you made aware of that?"

"I haven't been given an official statement if that's what you're asking," said Kyoya, to his caller. "It's not my job to keep my eye on this directly."

"Is it just me," I asked, "or are they talking to one another?"

"Without realizing it? It's possible," said Tamaki.

Kyoya looked over at Tamaki, and then at Itsuki. I recognized the particular smirk that he was wearing when Itsuki finally caught his gaze. Usually, when he was dealing with others, it meant that he had won.

"In any case," said Kyoya, "it shouldn't take you more than a few weeks of hosting, so I don't see what you have to worry about."

Kyoya hung up, and Itsuki did the same. He stood stunned, for a second, before letting out a gracious laugh.

"So that would explain how you have so much intelligence on Ms. Suzumiya," said Itsuki. "It all makes a lot more sense now."

"It makes sense to you?" I asked him. "Kyoya-sempai, how much can you tell us about… well, about all this?"

"How much do you want to know?" Kyoya replied.

"As much as you're willing to tell us," said Tamaki. "We should know everything that we'd need to know."

"Tell us about Ms. Suzumiya... and about these guys, too, while you're at it," I said.

"Well," said Kyoya, "there's no sensible way for me to put that on the table, so allow me to take a moment to seem  _particularly_  crazy." He looked over at the present members of the 'SOS Brigade'. "Feel free to correct me if I'm wrong about anything."

Instantly, he had a whiteboard behind him, and a dry erase marker in his hand.

"We'll need to start with the fundamentals, I believe. Haruhi Suzumiya, or so my information tells me, has three things that she is particularly fond of; aliens, time travelers, and espers. Obviously, known science has proven these things to be nonexistent. That being said, though, the fact is that Ms. Suzumiya's existence violates what we know about science to some degree, and these are no exceptions."

He quickly drafted up a chart with "aliens", "time travelers", and "espers" on it at even points on a triangle - and Haruhi Suzumiya's name sat comfortably in the center.

"Oh no..." said Honey-sempai quietly. "I didn't know Kyo-chan was a conspiracy theorist." Mori-senpai just held him a little closer.

"Um…" said Mikuru. "What information is this? Where did you get it from?"

"It's a mix of hearsay, professional interest, and some intelligence which I don't need to elaborate on," said Kyoya. "As I've said, I thought of it as a particularly consistent set of rumors until a few minutes ago."

Mikuru nodded, and her brow furrowed slightly.

"Let's start with aliens," said Kyoya. "Presuming they exist is one thing; having them interact with Earth is another. I'm not going to be proving Fermi's Paradox here and now, so let me skip ahead. If aliens rode around in flying saucers or were anything like, say, sentai villains, we'd be aware of them."

"Which means that they aren't, I presume?" I asked.

"Distinctly not. They're more like…" Kyoya stared blankly at his board for a few seconds. "I really couldn't tell you what they're like. Some sort of living data, if I recall. I'll need to research that..."

"I could tell you what that sounds like," I said, "but I don't want to be rude at the moment."

"I know that they're incorporeal and incomprehensible to humans - that much I can assure you. If they want to interface with mankind, they create human forms to do so with. Sort of like androids, but entirely flesh. As I understand it, these interfaces don't have that much independence, but they also have the ability to modify this world's 'code', which makes them quite formidable."

"Alright, so that's one down," said Tamaki. "What about time travel?"

"That's not something I can adequately explain," Kyoya said. "It's all classified this, classified that, apparently. But what we do know is that they're from very, very far in the future. They also masquerade as ordinary humans, and if they bring technology, it's almost impossible to properly obtain, or even comprehend."

"And espers?" asked Honey-senpai.

"Don't get your hopes up. Espers have nothing fancy in the way of powers, unfortunately," Kyoya continued. "But there is a large organization of them, who have taken several steps to ensure that Haruhi Suzumiya is placated."

"Indeed," said Itsuki, taking a place by Kyoya's side. "I happen to be an esper myself. If you're truly curious about what myself, my Organization, or Ms. Suzumiya is capable of, I'm willing to sit down and have a chat with you."

He turned to Kyoya. "But what's your role, Mr. Otori? I can tell at a glance that you're not an esper."

"I'm not. However, three years ago, some friends of friends reached out to me, asking me to help fund a larger 'Organization'. I heard their claims of espers and goddesses and I dismissed them. However, I didn't see any harm in funding them, so I invested a sum I had lying around into this little side-project. I never thought anything would actually come of it, but it seems a lot of things are being proven wrong today."

"So that would make you the Investor that I've heard so much about," said Itsuki. He bowed, and Kyoya responded with a smirk.

"Hold on a second," I said. "You thought that what they were doing was nonsense, and you funded them anyway? How much did you throw away like that?"

"I suppose to a student at Ouran Academy, you can invest those sorts of resources without worry," said Itsuki - the first thing he's said that I've really agreed with.

"Anyway, that's what I know," Kyoya concluded. "You don't need to believe what I've said. But keeping it in mind should explain most of everything that is, or could be, happening."

I didn't know what to think, except that it all sounded insane. It might be all true, but I feel like that's the biggest stretch I could make at the moment. I might have just had a moment where my brain disconnected and in reality, I'm having a seizure. But I think if that was happening, things would have gotten even stranger still.

"Oh, I get it," I said, after a bit.

"You do?" said Honey-senpai. He and Mori-senpai were going over the chart again.

"Yeah. This is some sort of long-form acting thing. Suzumiya believes that all these crazy things are true - that I can buy. I can also buy that she's some incredibly important person we're just now aware of. What you're doing now is giving us all the exposition we could need, without actually letting slip that it's all make-believe. Plausible deniability, or something like that. That's why you pulled her out of the room. The Hitachiins already know, which is why they don't need to be in here. Koizumi and the others are paid actors that have been following her around for a while already. All you need is for us to play along just enough so that we don't end up poking a hole in her delusion."

"But if that's the case," said Tamaki, "then why is so important that we don't tell her about this, or herself?"

"You could probably come up with a few good explanations," said Kyoya, "but the first and best is that what we've said is true, and that Haruhi is wrong."

"I don't see the harm in her thinking this way about the situation," said Itsuki. "She doesn't need to play an important part - all that she and your club need to do is to play along."

"Having them believe, if I can manage, would be preferable. After all, if we're around her on a daily basis, how long do you think it'd be before we ended up looking at something unbelievable?"

"That's very true," Itsuki smiled.

"Um, if I may," said Mikuru. She took a cautious step forward. "I know this is a lot to take in, but I just want to clarify... I'm not part of Mr. Koizumi's organization. The three of us are only connected by the SOS Brigade, and by our mutual interest in Ms. Suzumiya."

"Correct," said Kyoya. "Much in the same way that Mr. Koizumi is the SOS Brigade's esper representative, so too is Ms. Asahina for the time travelers."

Those words caused Mikuru to reel backward and yell like someone ripped her clothes open. She took a moment to compose herself and she stared down Kyoya.

"How… why do you-" She cut herself off, turned, and broke away from the rest of the group, over to the other side of the room. "I'm not permitted to tell you more, but you're not allowed to know that! None of you are! I'm sorry..." she stammered.

Tamaki looked distinctly concerned for a moment. "But can you at least tell us if what he said is true? Are you actually a time traveler?"

"That's classified!"

"I know the language can change in however many years it will be, but I believe that translates to 'yes'." Kyoya quipped. After a few seconds of looking at Mikuru, his smirk faded into a more serious look. "I apologize if I've spoken out of turn. I'm only trying to fill everyone in. If it makes you feel any better, I don't actually know anything about you or your group. The knowledge of your status as a time traveler is only the result of a logical conclusion about the SOS Brigade's makeup."

Mikuru's pained look slowly softened into a more neutral one, and after a few seconds, she smiled. "That honestly does make me feel better. For a moment, I thought that something classified had happened."

Kyoya wasn't kidding about the whole "classified this, classified that" thing. If someone's building this world for the purposes of Kyoya's charade, they obviously haven't been paid enough to think of a good reason for time travel.

"So…" said Honey-senpai, "if Suzu-chan likes aliens, time travelers, and espers… and Itsu-chan is an esper, and Mii-chan is a time traveler… does that mean that Yuki-chan is…?

His, Mori-senpai's, Tamaki's, and my eyes all slowly turned towards Nagato. Nagato, whose face hadn't made an expression and whose tone of voice hadn't changed. Nagato, the member of the SOS Brigade who has had the least input and who has done little but observe or read. Nagato, who came from a poorer school but who paid enough money to buy a decent house in an instant. After a few moments, Nagato turned her head and looked up at us, and for a moment, it seemed more like a camera pivoting than a natural turn of the head.

If it is all a ploy, and she's just an actor, she's doing an excellent job. But, if what Kyoya's saying is true...

Before any more doubts could creep into my mind, the doors to the Host Club opened with a heavy sound. I thought Suzumiya had kicked in the door, but immediately that was shown to be impossible.

"Why is she on a  _horse!?_ " I couldn't help but ask.

Everyone was left staring, dumbfounded, as Haruhi Suzumiya rode in on an immaculate chestnut steed. The other three members of her party entered soon after. It was the first time I saw the Hitachiins look anything close to worn out, and Kyon looked like he had run a 5K race in a windstorm. Suzumiya trotted the horse to the middle of the room and pivoted to face us. The fact that she was guiding it around so precisely raised further questions, which I was sure would go unanswered.

Kyoya looked at her and adjusted his glasses. "I see that your tour took you to the equestrian club's stables."

"We expected to give her a smaller tour," said Hikaru.

"She saw the stable, asked to borrow one, and after that, she took off around the whole campus," said Kaoru.

"And I spent half of it waiting for you knuckleheads," she said. "I'm surprised that you guys didn't mount up."

"Yeah, I'm not going to get on the back of an eight-foot-tall beast that could kick my sternum out through my back if I looked at it wrong," said Kyon, as he collapsed onto the nearest couch.

"As for us," said Kaoru, "we've been banned from riding horses on the Ouran campus for life."

"How…?" I started to ask a question, but then I realized that that was a question I certainly didn't need to know the answer to.

"So, what do you think of our campus?" asked Kyoya.

"I know I'm probably sounding like a broken record," said Suzumiya as she dismounted, "but this place is  _amazing!_ "

Itsuki smiled. "It seems like you are taking to Ouran even better than anyone could imagine," he said.

"Well, with any luck," said Kyoya, "you'll acclimate just as well to hosting. I see that you're already looking the part."

Only then did I notice that she had had a complete change of clothes. I guess I could be forgiven for not noticing, what with the horse and all. (Seriously - aren't there doors? And stairways? How do you even get a horse up a staircase? And was there seriously nobody that felt like stopping her?) She was in the blazer of Ouran Academy's men, except that it was obviously modified - the pants had been traded in for a pencil skirt, and the jacket and underlying blouse had obviously had some… necessary adjustments, shall we say.

And the thing is… she looked  _good_. Her outfit, her poise, her style… there were obvious problems with her, but none of them had to do with how she looked. Now that she was off her literal high horse and standing among the rest of the hosts, it was apparent exactly who she set out to be. She wasn't going to need to go to Renge to help set up a host gimmick anytime soon; she was the Lady Host, and she looked the part to a T.

Looking around the room, I could see on the faces of everyone else that they were thinking the same thing. Kyoya looked impressed; Koizumi looked quite pleased; I could have sworn the twins even looked a bit worried, as if she was some serious competition.

Suddenly, it felt like something inside of me woke up, like when you realize that you're dreaming. Seeing her stand there, alongside the rest of the hosts, fitting in like a missing puzzle piece… it didn't make sense. How can she just stride in, join us through force, and then immediately start going around looking like the best host that's ever lived? Everything, from looking the part to getting a favorable response from everybody else, was lining up in her favor.

_And why wouldn't it,_ I heard a voice within me say.  _If the world really does bend around her, and if she really wanted to make a good first impression as a host, then why wouldn't it all fall into place at her feet?_

"I must say," said Tamaki, "you certainly look ready to take on the role of a host. Are you sure that you're up for it?"

"Of course I am!" said Suzumiya as she stood, beaming.

"In that case," said Tamaki, as he held out a hand, "I would like to welcome you, and the rest of your Brigade, into the Ouran Host Club!"

Even though Tamaki's outstretched hand was elegant and graceful, Suzumiya grabbed it in a firm handshake. As the SOS Brigade's leader locked eyes with the King of the Host Club, something flashed between their gazes like lightning. This bond between Brigade and Host Club felt almost supernaturally powerful, like it was a royal marriage or something.

Wait, what am I even talking about? Am I getting dragged into some sort of deeper fantasy by whatever power she has? Hold on, reality check - there's not even any way that she has those sorts of powers! I mean, people just don't  _have_ those! When did I just start using them wholesale as an explanation for what's going on? Mom, if you're checking up on me right now, you might want to come back later when things are less crazy.

As the two leaders shook hands, I looked over at the others, and my eyes met Kyon's. Like two kindred souls, I could tell that both of us had the same thing going through each of our heads at this precise moment.

_What did I do with my life that got me wrapped up in all this craziness?_


End file.
